Incurable Blindness
by IrrevocableVision
Summary: It's been said that love conquers all and heal the aches and pains of a human heart. But never underestimate the power of blind love and the strength it takes to bear it, especially when you are the person watching it all happen, invisible and unknown.
1. Incurable Blindness

*Author's Notes: Ok, originally, I had this down as a one shot, but I decided to turn it into a short story, so I'm reposting it all again, but this time I got the ending done. Anyways, This is all in Kaoru's point of view, the person she is talking to is kenshin (of course), and the person she that kenshin meets in college is Tomoe (of course). kenshin and kaoru met in high school, so this is an AU and kenshin meets Tomoe in college.  
  
Incurable Blindness  
  
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You see me, but do you really see me? We were together almost every single day but have you ever thought to look further than the girl who befriended you? I wish you could see me....I wish you could tear down the inscrutable mask I had to construct when we first met. I can remember everything from that day, the memory burning like the scar on your cheek.  
  
You were lost. Forlorn against the turnings of the world as you struggled to stand on the dizzying spin of reality. Without friends, you walked down that hallway as a lone figure, appearing as if you didn't have a care in the world.  
  
But I knew better. I saw what hundreds of others could not see, a loneliness so sharp that it had pierced every part of your soul. I walked up to you with the bravery that had always been a part of me and held out a hand. My silent offer to be your anchor in the chaotic sea of life. You looked into my eyes, desperately searching for any hint of deceit but found only my harmless desire to help. Your hand was so warm as it clasped mine and I could feel your hesitance through the callused skin. The invisible promise was sealed at that moment. Mine was to give an unbreakable friendship that would last all the way to our later years. Yours was to be there for me without question, being the strength that I could not be.  
  
We have been inseparable since then. You were there when I cried over the false love my ex-boyfriend had pledged to me. You were there when my father died, leaving me alone in my cold house. You were there as I struggled to become a stronger woman. You were always there to catch me when I fell and I held on to the unwavering faith that your arms would always be there. We embarked on the journey of adulthood together, going to the same college and attending the same classes.  
  
But somewhere along the way, our promise began to break. You found her. The woman whom I have been dreading for the past five years, the woman who would slowly take you away. She was everything I was not. She was the graceful woman who always walked with her head held high, catching the attention of every person. She had hair so silky smooth that even the tiniest breeze could sway that beautiful mane of liquid black. She had eyes that pulled out your soul and viewed its contents with careful consideration. But most of all, she had the courage to walk up to you, a stranger, and ask for love. She didn't need words to show it, her endless eyes told it all. And I watched at the side as you slowly drifted away from my world. The hand that had clutched mine so tightly loosened its grip till it felt we weren't touching anymore. She was a good woman, refined and pure, and everybody saw why you would love her.  
  
But once again, they didn't see. They didn't see that you loved her because she was the very image of yourself before your innocence had been ripped away. In her, you saw the person you could have been. But you, too, didn't see. Didn't see that you were enough in the view of the world and most of all, to me.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
April 14, 2002. The day our promise shattered into irreplaceable shards. Another memory that will stab the depths of my mind till I finally die. The day itself reflected the events that happened and neither of us could ever be the same again.  
  
It rained heavily, the sky crying so hard that the torrents of water blinded the eye. But you waited patiently in the rain, knowing that not even eternity could tear you away from where you were. I had known what you were going to do that day, you had told me a week before. I shouldn't have come. I should have stayed home, wrapped up in the warmth of soft blankets though it would have never melted the coldness in my heart. I didn't bother bringing an umbrella and only stood at my post, my eyes watching you as you waited for her.  
  
She came, holding a large umbrella, with a quizzical look on her delicate face, wondering why you had asked her to come here during the storm. She held the umbrella over you but you smiled your smile, the very same smile you had given to me in the past. The smile that said everything would be alright and that I would never have to be afraid. You don't smile for me anymore and now fear has become my constant companion. You got down on one knee and a look of knowing flashed across her face but she kept her demeanor calm.  
  
You reached into your soaked jacket and pulled out a tiny case, still dry despite the rain. An exchange of words and she knelt down to embrace you. You embraced her back, holding her as you have never held anybody in your life.  
  
But you have, you held me, but you forgot. You slip the diamond ring onto her finger and she held her hand up to admire it. A rare smile lights up her face and she grabs your hand to pull you up, laughing out loud. She begins to run back and you follow her with the obedience only love can give. She couldn't see through the sky's tears and the crash that followed froze time. I saw your eyes slowly widen and you took off in a blur. I ran too, sprinting to the limp body that laid sprawled on the road. There was so much blood that it stained everything pink. You held her as gently as you could, muttering things in her ear but we both knew. Her last breath was not spent declaring undying love but on a request. Please love again. Her eyes sparkled one last time and she closed them forever. Your sobs racked my ears. But all throughout your sorrow I noticed two things. No tears fell from your eyes. And you didn't see me....again.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
April 14, 2003. It's been a year now and I haven't seen your face in that time. You show it to the world but you did not think of coming to me. I've heard that your grief has swallowed you whole and that you ceased to be human, you ceased to live.  
  
I know everything that runs through your head, I have known you that long and that well. But I wanted to hear it from you, I wanted to know how you felt. Your problems would always fall into my hands and I would hold them close to my heart, in the hopes that the fire of my emotions would heal them.  
  
It used to be that you would tell me everything inside you, from your hopes to your failures, even though we both knew that I was already aware. But you shattered our promise and broke our bond, cutting away the bridge that had always been open before.  
  
A deep chasm separates us now and you are the only one who can rebuild the bridge. Unfortunately, your guilt covers your eyes and paralyzes your hands so that you are crippled. It wasn't your fault, you didn't kill her, everybody says. But they didn't see. They didn't see that though you did not kill her, she had killed you. You died together, you and her. And you are now living in a place I cannot hope to reach. I want to give up but my heart still beats quickly whenever I think of you.  
  
So here we are on this day, reunited, and the distant heat of your body sends shivers down my spine. You have come here only at my request, nothing more. You refuse to say anything and your body is tense, ready to leave the place that had carved another scar amongst your dozens. I don't ask you how you were, I already know. I don't give my apologies, you don't want to hear them. I don't ask why you haven't talked to me in a year, you won't have the answer.  
  
Instead I ask you why you can't see. And my ears hear the last thing you will ever say to me, I had been blind from the start. With that said, you leave me again, only it feels final in my heart. You were suppose to be unshakable, always the hero that I looked up at and depended on. I never allowed myself the thought that you were weak. But I have grown and I have seen.  
  
You allowed your grief and regret to overcome the iron will that had once thrived within. You gave up everything because you thought you had nothing. And now I have become a person that I never wanted to be, a person stronger than you. As you walk away from me for the last time I allowed myself the luxury of one tear before slamming the mask back on. It slides down my cheek and I do not wipe it away, letting it remain as a reminder of what we use to have. You've become blind. Yet, I still want to cling to the hope that one day you would truly see me.  
  
If I was your anchor in the past, could I not be the cure for your future? I wish you could see through your pain, just enough to realize that for three long years I had been standing right before you with open arms, waiting for you to run into them again. But even hope can die, its life span the same as a mortal's own determination. My tear hangs by a moment, the very same as my own hope.... and it doesn't fall, stubbornly clinging to my skin. I guess it's a sign, maybe a premonition for the future, that I shouldn't give up. The only thing now is to wait and see if you will ever let go of the sorrow covering your eyes. But blindness is hard to heal and I don't know if my heart can last long enough to hold out. I don't know if I can wait for you any more.  
  
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*This story shot really deals with the hard time Kaoru has after Kenshin meets Tomoe. She was, of course, in love with him but didn't want to throw away their friendship to start anything, she didn't want to be alone so she decided to remain quiet about how she felt, much the same in the anime. After Tomoe died, he just gave up, thinking it was his fault for asking her to come out in the rain. Oh, and for those who are confused on why they are out there, in the story (and in the anime, I believe) Kenshin meets Tomoe in the rain, and he wanted to propose to her at the same place. 


	2. Conceiled Tormet

Author's notes: just to give you a sort of timeline of incurable blindness, she met Kenshin at age 14, he proposed to Tomoe at age 19, and has a short reunion with Kaoru at age 20.  
  
Concealed Torment  
  
Part Two of Incurable Blindness  
  
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It's been two long and unbearable years since that moment you walked away from me. I'm 22 years old and I feel so old. Life has pushed down on me harder and harder ever since we drifted apart, it was like you were my barrier against time when we were younger. Your quiet strength and comforting presence was my only armor against the world.  
  
Without you around, time has finally caught up with me. Things that never bothered me before have now blown up into massive proportions. I should be angry at you, I should hate you for leaving me all alone. You broke our sealed promise first over love, and then over sorrow. At times, during those years alone, I wanted to march up to you and shake you till your blindness went away.  
  
But as I have concluded before, your blindness is incurable. You moved to the other side of Japan so you would never have to come near your memories, but though the past can be lost, it can never be forgotten. It took me six months to finally realize that you had left me for good, another six to recover my old self that had been thrown in the trash along with your promise, and a year of normal living to finally become accustomed to being alone.  
  
I think.....I think the anger from being discarded was inside me all along. It never showed its face, only taking care to lurk beneath the surface like some hideous monster, reminding me of its presence. I kept a tight rein over it with my hope and have not once allowed it to come loose. But it's mentally consuming to control anger, especially when it's been suppressed for so long. But I survived, didn't I? I'm not whole and I still have unhealed scars that might never go away, but I am still me...I hope.  
  
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I think I hate you now, but I am not quite sure. How is it that you leave me in the cold for years and then decide upon some whim that you want to come back home? I'm still debating with my heart on what surprised me more, the day I first realized you weren't mine or the day I first saw you after those two years.  
  
I'm sipping my morning tea at a lone booth in the corner of the old cafe we used to hang around. The fragrance of jasmine tea and the worn down booth brings back memories but I squelch them down and try to concentrate on the morning paper. The little bell on the door jingles but I don't look up, I never do because I have finally gotten myself to stop glancing up with the pathetic hope that you might step through that doorway.  
  
There are a few regulars that have been coming for years and they know to give me my space but their chatter had always accompanied the clatter and clink of dishes. The whole cafe grew silent and I tip my head up to see....you. You look older and frailer, and there is a heavy tiredness in your normally youthful face. The long red hair that always reminded me of a rosy sunset has been cut so that it is pulled back from your face in a short tail. And your eyes shatters my heart for the second time because in them, I see despair and worst of all, lifelessness.  
  
What had happened to you that had blown away the burning flame that used to flicker in your dynamic eyes? I see nothing but emptiness that is eating you away. You slowly walk over towards me with heavy and unsure steps, like you are wondering if what you are doing is the right thing. I turn my head back down at the page, fighting the urge to pretend that you're not there and it's just a hallucination of mine. But it is no hallucination as there is a small groan of the booth's creaky springs as you sit across from me. A waitress hustles over and in the same voice that always made my stomach turn, you order green tea.  
  
Suddenly, I want to laugh because it almost seems like old times. I would always order jasmine tea and you would always order green tea. We would sit in this very booth, each person across from each other, and we would just sit and drink, content with one another. She sets your tea down and I still refuse to tear my eyes away from words that are steadily becoming more blurry by the minute. I don't know if you are waiting for me to speak but I know I am waiting for you.  
  
"I'm sorry." You say. And the anger I had been holding down bends and twists inside my chest, tightening it so much that it's nearly painful. Sorry? You're sorry? Is that simple combination of letters enough to make me feel better? Is it enough to stitch up my torn heart? Is it enough to repair the damages in my mind? Is it enough to reassure my soul that it's alright to love again? Is it ENOUGH? My hands tighten and the newspaper's edges crinkles under the pressure.  
  
My jaw clenches as I try to bite back the harsh words that are aching to come out. A silence so tense weighs down the air as I struggle to control myself. I know I won't cry because I promised myself long ago that you would only receive one of my tears. But I am wondering if I will lash out and hurt myself more than I will hurt you.  
  
You won't say I'm sorry again because I know you see how hard I am trying to restrain myself right now. But I astonish myself and you as my body relaxes each tense muscle and my hard grip on the newspaper eases down. I calmly lifted my tea cup with resolved fingers and take a last sip before setting it down and pushing it away from me. I fold the newspaper and tuck it into my backpack which gets slung over my shoulder.  
  
"I accept your apology for exactly what it is worth." I stand and you stand as well in the attempt to stop me before I walk out. But your characteristic courage must have been eaten up by your emptiness as well, because you let me walk away from you without intrusion.  
  
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Looking back at everything, I realize what a hopeless fool I had been. Hopelessly faithful, hopelessly loyal, and hopelessly patient. I haven't fully given up on you because you still have the last piece that will complete me, my heart. My body is physically tired of fighting off the anger and my mind is mentally exhausted from trying to push you out of my memories. They have both surrendered to what could be fate and now all I need is my heart, which you still have without knowledge.  
  
You would think that after eight years of unrequited love that I would finally learn to give up. But I suppose that not only am I hopeless, I'm stubborn as well. And I question myself again of what I am going to do now. The subtle knife of betrayal is digging into my back as I smoothly walk to my car with the realization that I had not once met your eyes during our two sentence conversation. And now, I'm wondering if you're still standing there and waiting for that nonexistent courage to appear.  
  
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*I guess it's a bit shorter than part one, but I felt that it was perfect to end it there. Now, I'm thinking if there should be a part three....well, tell me what you think and we'll see. 


	3. Irrevocable Decisions

Author's Notes: Wow, my shortest story ever. I think I will forever be fond of this story, simply because I like how I portrayed Kaoru's emotions and thoughts. Unrequited love at it's best and worst can be an addictive thing to write and read.  
  
Irrevocable Decisions: Final Part of Incurable Blindness  
  
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Maybe love was never meant to be. Maybe, it was never meant for me to obtain. The hopes that I had when I was young now seem nothing but the naive dreams of a foolish child. The patient waiting that I had so diligently endured for love was now gone. It was gradually replaced by a fierce loathing. No, not a loathing for you. The deep loathing that shakes my inner core is for myself. I could never hate you, no matter what you have done. You have pushed away our friendship and abandoned me to embrace your ever present regret. But I could never hate you because my love for you is as strong as that day we first met. And the irony of it all is that I hate not you, but myself for loving you. I hate myself so much that I want to laugh, the kind of laugh that makes you grab your sides in pain. But I know that the laughter will soon turn into a sudden rush of tears that won't be wiped away by a gentle hand. And my self loathing will still be there. Will you ever give me a chance?  
  
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Why do you keep doing this to me? I want to roll on the floor and hug myself tight with the frustration that is threatening to engulf me. It's like they say, love is like a roller coaster ride that takes you up so high, then plummets you down in a speed that takes your breath away. I ask you again, why do you keep doing this to me. Isn't it enough that you broke my heart three times, and now you are already going for a fourth try. And ironically enough, you want to meet me at the same place that nearly ended it all. So now, here I am, a thick coat wrapped around my lean frame, as I lean against a iron balcony overlooking a lake. A place not too far from where Tomoe died. I'm looking down at the sporadic ripples of water when I feel you behind me. And so you stand beside me...again, close enough that I want to dive into the warmth that is radiating from your body. And we stand next to each other....again, waiting for the other to speak. And it is I who must begin the words...again.  
  
"What do you want now?" I didn't mean for the words to come out so harshly, but my voice is already fighting off the trembles of emotion. It is a simple question, but I know you understand the true meaning behind it. Why have you brought me here when you have already let me go? Your shoulders droop in surrender and I am tempted to ask if you really are you.  
  
"I just...wanted to see your face."  
  
"Don't lie to me." I say angrily, wondering if you thought I had grown stupid over the years, or forgetful. Do you honestly think that I can forget all our years together? I have treasured every memory for so long that I can almost feel the worn edges of each recollection. "If you have truly forgotten what I look like, then you deserve to lie."  
  
"I just can't win, can I?" You say softly, and I suddenly feel guilty for how cruel I sound.  
  
"Just tell me why you're really here and we can both go our separate ways, like we have done in the recent years." I did it again, another harsh toned sentence that seem to hit me harder than it hits you. I feel you wince beside me and I find myself staring at the ripples of the lake even harder.  
  
"Do you hate me?"  
  
Your intuition hasn't died, yet. I can praise and curse for that. An awkward silence passes while I try to think of the right words to say.  
  
"I hate." I admit quietly. "But I don't hate you....I hate myself."  
  
You reach out and capture my hand into yours, squeezing it gently and hesitantly. Before I can stop myself, my own fingers betray me and twine themselves between yours.  
  
"I've lost a part of myself and I don't know what part that is, but some of you was lost with it. I couldn't feel anything after she died," Your hands clench. "And I forgot almost everything of me. I couldn't remember who I was. And then, a few months ago, I started remembering, little by little. But the first thing was you. You smiling, you laughing, and you crying. It was you crying that I remember the most clearly. Teardrops never fell from your eyes, but I remember you crying inside. You never did like tears, you always thought it was weak, and there were times when I thought that too. But you didn't like tears because they showed too much of what you thought. I finally understand, Kaoru, and I'm sorry I never saw you crying inside till now."  
  
"It's too late for apologies, Kenshin."  
  
And the next thing I know, you turn your entire body to me so I can see every part of your face. From your fiery hair to your lavender eyes, to your scarred cheek. You brush away the strands of hair that half cover my eyes so you could look at me straight in the eye, something you have avoided doing since Tomoe had stolen your heart. I read those beautiful lavender orbs carefully, able to read every emotion and thought stirring in those dizzying depths. And all my hopes crash down one final time. You reach your hands up now, cupping my face so that I want to close my eyes and press my skin against the glowing warmth of your palms. But years of holding back has strengthened my will and I gently pull back from the comforting sensation that I knew I would never feel again. Your lavender eyes are slightly furrowed in confusion and you reach out to touch me again but I take a step back away from you. I shake my head and it feels like all my sadness from you is in that one motion. Your eyes furrow further in confusion and I give you a soft smile, one that pulls on the edges of my mouth just a tiny bit.  
  
"No." I whisper to you and it strikes pain into your face. I hold myself stubbornly to my decision and my soft smile doesn't falter despite the quivering I feel within. You don't argue my answer and only ask why. I respond by wrapping my arms around your neck and pressing you tight against me. Your arms immediately go around my waist and we stay silent in the embrace. In your ear, I whisper what my heart has finally come to realize and finally come to see. "Don't love me with half a heart, Kenshin. Don't make promises you can't keep."  
  
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I have spent almost half of my life wishing for something that I will never receive. And I will spend the majority of my later years wondering how I had managed to make it this far without breaking down. And you? You will spend the rest of your years in loneliness because you still allow regret to shadow everything else. Do you want to know what I saw when I read your eyes that day? I saw only the fleeting dream of what used to be but could never be again. Once you take a path in life, there is no turning back, there is no chance to make changes in the past. What you have done and what you could have done will forever be cemented in eternity. And yet, I see the helpless desire to make everything as simple as it use to be, the desire that would one day spread into a consuming need. We can never go back to how we use to be, the bridge that used to connect us is gone and it's irreplaceable. You think you love me, but you only love the past that you see in me. And I refuse to be loved by someone who wants to drift away in the past, in the bygone days that brings painful heartaches to my chest. I have known no greater feeling than love but I have also known no greater pain than a broken heart. Now that I have come to terms with the hopelessness of our situation, I can see that there is a greater barrier that is separating us, the past and future. I have made my decision and it has been permanently laid down on my path in life. There is no going back for me, so I guess that means I'll have to leave you in the past. I won't look back at all that has come to pass for fear of becoming like you. But in my mind's eyes, I will always remember the fiery haired boy with flashing golden eyes, daring the world to break him down into a weaker being. Oh, how cruel fate can be.  
  
Do you truly love me? Could you ever truly love me? Yet, I saw you die the same day Tomoe did. All hopes for love had been dashed away by your tearless sobbing. And my relentless heart still instills in me the stubbornness to push on and still live for you. I can't change the past, no matter how much I wish it. And if I could, I would have taken Tomoe's place. But I am here, I'm alive, breathing and feeling when Tomoe cannot.  
  
Don't forget about me. Please, don't forget. 


End file.
